Nature Strikes
by Sings-off-key
Summary: Will Edwina find a way to turn an unfortunate curse to her, ahem, his advantage? A silly one-shot.


**Nature Strikes**

They'd finally made camp after a tedious, wearisome day of slogging through the marsh, where the water reeked, the trees dripped and the blood flies rose in avid swarms. And now this. Just as Edwina had hoped for a moment of semi-rational conversation, the hope was dashed away. That wretched knight had followed Zunai to the stream and had cornered her there before Edwina got her chance. The fool stood on the sandy beach and grinned down at his leader in a distinctly familiar, nay, insubordinate manner. He'd stripped out of his armor and looked relaxed, boyish, and disgustingly happy.

Edwina, watching from the cover of a lush stand of young willows, scowled. Anomen. How she despised the big oaf. She'd like to knock some of those healthy white teeth right down that beefy throat. If only he wasn't so huge and athletic and she wasn't so…female. Not that she, when she'd been a man, would have ever stooped to fisticuffs. No, there were better ways to handle brutes like him. If only she hadn't promised the Bhaalspawn she wouldn't blast any of her pathetic lackeys into the oblivion they so clearly deserved.

Edwina couldn't hear their exchange but their laughter rubbed her like a rasp. Zunai flipped her hair—a silken mass as red and luscious as rubies glittering in the light of the setting sun—in a gesture Edwina knew all too well. She was _flirting_ with the knight, damn her eyes, in just the way she'd flirted with him, Edwin, when he'd been in his rightful form.

Fate, as fickle as any hot-loined paramour, had thrust Edwin into this woman's body before he could make his move on the Bhaalspawn. That knight—oh, how Edwina _ached_ to blacken his skin with a curtain of fire—dared to attempt to fill the void. And Zunai, curse her, was responding to the ape's crude advances in a way that made Edwina's blood boil.

The Anomen chimp, still grinning, took both full buckets from Zunai's hands. He'd pushed up his sleeves to show off the muscles bunching in his hairy, sinewy forearms. Could the deluded wench possibly find such a vulgar display attractive?

_Fetching water is a perfect match for his skills and intellect_, Edwina thought. _Now send the simian about his business so that I can come out of these noxious weeds and have a word with you._ But Zunai walked with Anomen back to the camp, smiling brightly and chattering some nonsense or other.

"Imbecile," Edwina muttered. "Moron. Degenerate chimp."

"You're really too hard on yourself."

Edwina whirled at the soft voice behind her and her hands automatically began the gestures of a protective spell.

"Do not _ever_ sneak up on me." Her voice had gone shrill—femininely shrill, she noted with distaste. "You were one twitch of the finger from a grisly death, druid."

Cernd gave one of his enigmatic little smiles that showed no teeth. The druid was rather self-conscious about those elongated canines, Edwina realized.

"Then I thank you for sparing my life, Red Wizard."

_Does he _dare_ patronize me? I should… _She stopped to shake her foot free from the vine that had managed to tangle itself around her ankle. Damned swamp.

"However, if you were planning on relieving yourself or bathing, might I respectfully request that you do so downstream from our campsite?" He gave her a slow thoughtful blink and then pointed with his staff. "That way."

He _was_ patronizing her. Edwina narrowed her eyes.

"Or perhaps you were merely observing our leader. A fair flower with a fine scent attracts all manner of pollinators, no? I find her easy on the eyes myself."

"What I do is my business and not yours, druid."

"Of course."

The blasted undergrowth blocked Edwina's view of the pair but she heard that tinkling laugh once more. She realized she had clenched her jaw.

"They make a fine couple, do they not?" Cernd's voice was light but his eyes were laughing.

_He was laughing at her, no doubt. Pollinators indeed. These so-called servants of nature see far too much._

"Do you think it a fine thing that one such as Zunai should throw herself away on a hulking ape? She is merely amusing herself at the fool's expense."

"Do you think so?"

"I know so. She would have been mine by now, if not for…bah, why do I bother to speak with you?"

"Anomen's feelings seem sincere enough."

"That feeble fool? All he wants is an audience to applaud his daring exploits. Surely you don't find his braggadocio credible?"

"Perhaps he is trying over-hard to impress the lady, but are you so sure those tactics will not serve? She seems to like him well enough."

"If I were in my true form…"

"While a woman may prefer wit in her friends, many are drawn to brawn in their lovers. Are you sure you know Zunai's mind?"

"I've left many a concubine gasping with pleasure, druid. I know what I'm doing."

"Perhaps Zunai will give your braggadocio the same credence as Anomen's then. Perhaps she prefers a self-professed womanizer to a sincere and devoted lover."

Edwina's eyes flashed.

"But come, friend," Cernd said in a soothing tone. "Surely you are in a position that many men would envy." He leaned forward on his staff. "You curse this condition you find yourself in, but can you not turn it to advantage? Could you not become Zunai's confidante and learn the desires of her heart? Surely she will speak more freely to another woman."

"Do you think her such a fool? The problem, simian, is that she does not see me as a fellow woman. She knows me for what I am—a man temporarily trapped in a woman's body."

"And she has no interest in partaking in the subtle pleasures…"

"No, she does not." (_Do you think I haven't already asked, chimp of the swamp wastes? She is adamant, the narrow-minded wench._)

"Ah. Still, you have the unique opportunity to experience the desires and preferences of a woman's body firsthand. Not that I imply that gasping concubines would exaggerate their reactions, of course."

"Would I give up the chance to learn something of use? The resilience of the female frame for self-stimulation is truly remarkable. How unfortunate that I've not had the opportunity to…bah, stop wasting my time."

"So you haven't…"

"If you look within our little band, you will see a distinct shortage of suitable prospects for experimentation. Do not let Jaheira's manner deceive you—her 'special equipment' is as feminine as mine currently is, curse the hard-hearted Harper wench." Cernd bit his lip but Edwina went on. "Do you expect me to solicit a stranger in some dingy tavern? Not that I've had the opportunity, distasteful as it is. We've been mired in this stinking swamp for far too long."

"Have you never solicited strangers in dingy taverns, oh worldly one?"

"It was different when I was a man."

"So I gather."

He was laughing again but Edwina decided to let him live. He might yet be of use.

"Surely you don't expect me to seduce the imbecile knight. And if you're planning to pair me with that rogue Yoshimo, your brains have leaked out of your cracked and empty skull."

"I would have thought you and Yoshimo well matched. He claims to be something of a womanizer himself. Have you no interest in, ahem, plumbing the hidden depths of your new body?"

"Of course I'm interested but not with that tongue-wagging scoundrel. He'd make me the butt of gossip in every watering hole from here to Waterdeep. Besides, there's something…not right about him."

"Ah, you sense it too."

Edwina wasn't interested in talking about Yoshimo.

"Well, what about you?"

"What about me, Thayan?"

"You know what. You've made enough comments. I've seen you looking. I know you appreciate this body."

"Are you asking me to bed you? Why should I?"

"Why not? Don't tell me you'd turn down the chance for sex without promises or consequences."

Cernd shook his head.

"The hawk, unseen and unheard, stoops from the sky on swift wings yet sometimes it happens that blind instinct sends the hare scuttling to its burrow in a timely escape."

Edwina felt an overpowering urge to blast that serene expression from Cernd's face. But she had given Zunai her word, curse the wench, and saw no reasonable way to break it.

_I'll be damned to the Nine Hells if I ever make such a ridiculous promise again._

"Speak plain, simian…druid. Do you dare to refuse me?"

"In a word, yes."

"But why? I make a comely wench and I can assure you this body is perfect down to the smallest detail."

"I mean to cast no aspersions. You are indeed lovely. But I seek more in a bedmate than a comely appearance."

"You're a man, aren't you? (Or is he? Perhaps I should request a viewing of his credentials before we proceed.) Save such lofty talk for the druidesses you wish to impress. I know better."

"Perhaps an exchange of services—no. Forget I said anything."

"What?"

Cernd shook his head but Edwina did not miss the annoying twinkle in his eyes.

"You expect a payment of some sort? Bah. You should pay me for the privilege." Cernd, although not burly like Anomen, was a well-made man. In some ways, the druid's slender build reminded Edwina of his former body. "How much?"

"I have little need for your coin. Better the ore had been left in the earth."

"What, then?"

"I have been reluctant to ask Zunai for further aid after she's been so helpful…"

"Oh, just spill it, you fool. What do you want?"

"There is a nest of trolls nearby. During Faldorn's reign over the grove, she encouraged them to overgrow their habitat, so that they would attack the human communities in this area. Help me restore the balance and I will…make myself available to you."

Despite Edwina's protests that it was almost dark and she was tired, Cernd insisted that they head out right away. _I doubt any of us would sleep well, knowing the trolls are so dangerously close_, he'd said. Edwina figured she could have slept just fine—even the more imbecilic of her travelling companions were certainly alert enough to stand a decent watch.

Still, the task was easy enough once the druid had scouted out the trolls. One casting of Stoneskin (just in case), a few well-placed Webs, and a dozen charges of her Fireball wand cleaned out the entire nest.

"You did that very well," Cernd said. By the light of her staff, Edwina examined his face for traces of sarcasm and found none.

"I _am_ a Red Wizard. (And a particularly gifted one at that.)"

"You've done what I asked and…how did you want to do this?"

"We can lie on your cloak. If you soil my robe, you will suffer my wrath."

Cernd's face looked exceptionally blank. He opened his mouth but no words came out, not even the woodsy metaphor Edwina had anticipated.

"I do not expect to be wooed, fool. Get on with it."

"Ah. Well. You mean here and, um, now?"

In answer, Edwina threw off her red robe and draped it over a nearby bush. Underneath it, she wore leggings and a rather skimpy camisole.

"Is that…lace?"

"I had to borrow clothes from Zunai," Edwina snapped. "My old clothing chafed past all bearing."

"I…see."

Cernd set down his staff. He unhooked his cloak and laid it carefully on the ground. His face was still but his movements conveyed reluctance. Edwina's annoyance grew.

"Well? What is it?" Edwina frowned as Cernd's hands fumbled at the tie to his tunic. "Are you a man or a damned eunuch? (Idiots and incompetence dog my very existence.)"

Cernd sighed.

"I'm afraid…I am obliged to impose another condition."

* * *

"The stew is ready," Jaheira said. "Should we wait for Edwina and Cernd? What are they doing that's taking so long?"

"Edwina was vague," Zunai said. "You know how she gets. But surely Cernd won't get lost, even in the dark. I guess we could wait a little longer."

Although the night could hardly be called silent—the racket of insects was almost deafening—the loud, long howl startled everyone in the camp.

"That sounded close," Anomen said. "Wolves?"

"That was no natural wolf," Jaheira said. "That was Cernd."

"The moon's not up. What's he howling about? I hope he brought down a deer," Zunai said. "We could use the meat."

"There are no deer around here," Jaheira said. "I doubt he's been hunting anything we'd consider wholesome. Rats or voles, most likely. The werewolf can stomach things we cannot."


End file.
